therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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