Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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