Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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