The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
