i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
