it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
