I accidentally burped into my bong.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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