this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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