His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My bed smells like the plague
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
