Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
