how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
