I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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