I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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