everyone is single if you try hard enough
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
