New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
