I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
