It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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