So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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