So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
