While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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