i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
