I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
