Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
