at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Couch. On fire.
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