i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
