drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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