update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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