Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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