I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
