some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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