She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
