we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
