ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
