I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm jealous of your bromance
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
