Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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