I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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