don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
its not stalking. its research.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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