apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
