I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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