Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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