OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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