saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
