Your face is a jimmy john
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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