i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
