look no pants
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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