i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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