yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
