i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
