I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
