Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
