I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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