Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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