There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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