please come you make the beer taste better
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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