All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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