I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
