Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
