You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
so that wasnt chicken after all
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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