yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
