my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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