My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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