I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
