There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
